I have been unfortunate enough to have seen some trouble in my life, as I think most of us have. But the consequences of these times of troubles can be quite devestating as I found out. I know that this post is going to be flamed from a couple of different people, but that is what blogging is about. Apart from that, those flamers have paid out on me enough by now anyway.

I was married and during that marriage we had two wonderful boys. They were the light of my life, the apples of my eye, but because of my own stupidity I have lost all rights to them. I do not see them, hear from them, know what they look like, or even where they live anymore. That is not to say that I don’t want to see them. Every day I think about them, miss them and most likely mourn them.

My ex-wife, in her infinite wisdom, decided that because of my mistake I should not have any access to them at all. That was one of the nastiest things that has happened to me. I did not get a chance to fight the case and as a result I lost almost every material asset that I had. Over time that concerns me less as I now know that I do not need the material stuff.

A piece of my heart is missing, and will be missing until I see those two little boys again. The sad thing is that next time they might not be little. When I last saw them they were only 7 and 4. They have a lifetime of growing up to do, and now it will be without me.

I am now re-married to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is my rock, my muse, my soul. She has saved me, was there for me during the worst of those troubling times. She has kept me sane. Almost every day she sees my sadness and every day she tells me that it is time to put on the gloves and fight for my boys.

But every day I grow more hesitant about doing it. I remember my littlest boy looking at me strangely enough after an extended stay away from the house. So how would it be after almost two years of not seeing me?

My real hope is time will heal old wounds, and that I will be smiled upon by someone up there and they will come back to me. I am as lost as those boys are. I really do not know which way to turn anymore.