Since starting this blog, I have noticed how wildly my mood swings around. One post is great, inspirational and full of the right stuff and then the next post I am ranting at the world and fulling sorry for myself.

I suppose this is the dichotomy of blogging. It is really a ‘how do you feel on this day’ thing for me. Today I an feeling worn and worn out by the world, which makes me flatter than a pancake, but tomorrow I might feel on top of the world, ready to proclaim my love for my wife and life in general.

But back to today. Let tomorrow be what it’s going to be. It’s a flatter than a pancake blog post, so if you want to turn away now it really is a good time. Whether anybody reads this or not, I am at least talking (virtually anyway). The funny thing is that I write a lot but I do not talk a lot, and I think that my wife (as well as the rest of you) will probably find out more about me this way then they would if they talked to me in person.

The festive season seems to have sucked the life from me. I wonder what my boys would like for Christmas one minute and know that they are not there so then I don’t want to think about Christmas at all. This will be my third Christmas without them and, unfortunate as it is, it defines my mood today. You watch television and you see that moment where a father plays with his boy and you hate him, even if it just some made-up character. It is the sheer fact that they are together that grinds on me.

This makes it difficult for my partner, who does literally have to put up with me and my wild mood swings. She wants to start new traditions for all festive seasons but I find myself withdrawing even further from them. I use the business as an excuse. I’ll use anything else as an excuse except for admitting that I don’t want to think about it anymore.

I do not want this to be the way I am forever. I do not want it to define the festive seasons that should be joyous events for all of this, but how do I break out of the spiral that I find myself in? Do you ever stop missing your children?

Do you really get over the loss of your children, whether it be for real or even imagined? If you have, can you give someone that is drowning some pointers? Please.

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