I have started to realize what my problem is with missing my two boys from my first marriage. It’s simple to say that I have put my boys on pedestals.
They are my vision of what children should be and my brain has started to remove all the bad instances and memories. Even some of the bad memories have become endearing to me. It is like I had the most perfect children ever born.
That is fine (well not really) if you do not need remarried or plan to have other children in your life, but I do. I have my wife’s children in my life now.
With putting (little) people on pedestals, it makes it difficult to see my new children as just children. I compare them to my grand vision of what my martyred children are like and that is not fair. They can be angels, and do nothiing wrong, but I still have trouble embracing them. They love me, I know that, but I cannot show them the love they deserve in return.
It is not fair to them and it is not fair to me.
I want to see my children so that I can see them do all those things wrong; to do something that I would yell at them for; to wreck or break something of mine and show no remorse; to not listen to me when I talk and, even worse, when I demand. I want to see that my boys are just the same as my new children.
Maybe then I can accept that I really love my new children. Maybe then I can find it in my heart to love them back just as much as they love me. It is a somewhat barren ground between us. They plant seeds of love and I, unconsciously or subconsciously, stomp them dead.
It is as if I am punishing myself, for being part of losing my first two children. Why should I be shown any love when I can’t keep the love? People will say that it was not entirely my fault, but sometimes logic does not come into the equation.
The system is not fair where I get robbed of my children. There is no justice in that. It is simply that my ex-wife is depriving ‘her’ children of their biological father. I have been given no real choice in this matter and it hurts me every day. It hurts my new family every day.
How do I make it stop?